I’ve written about this before, but still think about it often: how crazy it is to be so absolutely happy, but have this terrible sadness at the same time.
I used to underscore my troubles by diminishing it to “first world problems” so people could take what I am saying not so seriously. I did not want to be judged for feeling the way I was for something that may seem small to others. But, everyone feels pain for their own reasons.
Everyone has a right to feel their own sorrow.
I’m into my thirties now and I could have never imagined my life taking me where it is: A divorce, two miscarriages, and a whole lot of pain. I am lucky enough to have family and friends who love me. I am lucky enough to have a husband who loves me. Why do I feel so much sadness about the few things that went wrong in my life? I have so much going right!
I wonder how strange it may seem to some people who read my blogs that know me in person. These people who hear me talking about all these positive stories, people who think I have rose tinted glasses of the world, people who think all I do is find the silver linings. Does it shock them to know that I’ve been hit hard with depression more than once? Do I seem in control only in person and not in writing? I wonder.
A divorce and two miscarriages. That’s some life experience that could really change a person. These things have really changed me for sure. I feel that most times I have things under control, but like anyone who has experienced depression, you know that sometimes there are very heavy waves that block you from swimming to the surface for air. Time stops. And it’s challenging to believe you deserve any of the happiness you do have in your life.
My husband and I were talking the other night about how most people do not like talking about deep and heavy stuff. Why? Because it’s depressing! No one wants to hear this shit! People don’t know how to respond. I cannot say I am any different, though I want to be. Sometimes the right words to comfort others, are just not there.
Being sad is such a lonely thing, because you do not want to bring other people down with you.
So, you don’t. You hold things inside. I feel it would be a healthier (mentally) world if people let it out. Talked about what they’re going through more and not dumb down their pains thinking that they are not important. Of course, there are other problems in the world that will always be worse than your own. That doesn’t take away the reality of your pain. No one should ever feel dumb for feeling sad. It’s a cruel world, we have to stick together to fight through it – that is where true beauty comes from. People standing together and caring about each other.