In excitement and nervousness we made a list of questions to ask the doctor – to make sure we were helping you grow in the healthiest and strongest way possible. We never got to share that list with the doctors though.
We would listen to Ed Sheeran’s “Small Bump” and Hamilton’s “Dear Theodosia” while our eyes glistened with hope, and though it was early, with pride.
Through all my nausea, hunger, soreness, and drowsiness, I embraced it because it’s the only way I felt you alive, you felt so real to me.
The day we had been looking forward to quickly crumbled into one dark memory. The doctors found you right away but were all of a sudden still and silent. No heartbeat. No blood circulation. You were a developed embryo in an empty sack.
They told me, “If you want, check in a week-but we can confirm to you now” that you were gone. “Come this way, we will make an appointment for your surgery.”
Surgery Appointment Desk, friendly I’m sure with all smiles, “Hi! How are you today?” I am not even sure if we said a word before just sitting down. “Will this day work?” Staring blankly into space I robotically reply, “Yea, okay” without being fully aware of what all has happened.
On our way out the door, the receptionist goes, “Would they like to schedule to see you again?” Suddenly overcome with emotion I answer, “No…they don’t” then make a bee line to the door to get the fuck out of there, grabbing onto Jeff for balance and vision.
What the hell just happened?
I feel like a hole has been carved out of me and left me with an emptiness. I carry your lifeless body inside of me, cherishing our last and final moments until they take you from me.
Our lives together were short lived, but you felt so real to me. My love for you was genuine and my loss for you is leaving me lifeless.
They say, “You’ll try again, this happens often.” But, it’s not just any baby I want, I wanted you darling. You were the one I wanted. And I miss you even though you are still with me for just a few more days.
Each small pain I feel, I wonder is that you leaving on your own? Is that you dying while I’m here crying?
G-d has a special place for you, better plans than were meant for us. Know that I will never forget you. I hope to one day find out those plans because I know he had a good place for you, but the pain still hurts though.
Goodbye, my angel.